I Am Struggling, But Still Going.

I hope that everyone’s summer is going well. I am out of the hospital but it has been difficult. I have found myself unable to keep any food down and have been surviving on peppermint tea and vitamin water. As you can imagine my body is struggling and starving. I am hungry but can’t keep anything down. It is so embarrassing because when I go out into public I have to keep a bowl or bag to be sick in.

My nausea is so bad and the doctors have given me the strongest anti-nausea meds, and they just are not working. I wonder just how long my body can actually handle not having any nutrition. I have tried eating just little pieces of cereal or crackers only for them to come back up within minutes later. There are times when I think to myself, and not lightly either, that I would actually trade in my nausea for more pain if I could.

You all know how painful my illnesses are, but the nausea and vomiting is absolutely beyond disabling. You can not do anything! As you can imagine this struggle is occurring at just the worst possible time it could. We are in the middle of packing up our house to move. My mother is so thoughtful though and is not putting our hose on the market until we are fully moved into our new house because of my health. She wants the least possible stress there is on me for the move. Unfortunately my body just is not working and I have hardly done any packing and I only have until the end of the month

Thankfully I have been blessed with two new real close friends who have declared they will be my “body” for me and try to help out my mom. Everyday they come over even though they have families to take care of and lives of their own and they pack up the house to help us out because I can not do it. I can not describe or put into words just how much this has meant to me. Sometimes tears swell in my eyes as I have no idea how I have been blessed with their friendship.

Right now I am just to ill to have them over because I need my rest, but they will be coming over regardless of how ill I am soon. The end of the month will be here quicker than I know. These are the moments when I realise just how useless I have become. My body just no longer wants to work and I am lucky now if I am able to get up, and get dressed for the day. I am just so tired. Sometimes I wonder if this means I am coming closer to the end, and my body is just breaking down the way it is supposed to. But with modern health care and medications who knows just how long I can go on with this broken and battered body.

I believe I am still here, still fighting for a reason. What that reason is I just don’t know. As I continue to be diagnosed with more illnesses and rare diseases I wonder just what I was exposed to in my  life. Could I have been spared all of this some how? I doubt it. I believe in some way that my life is playing itself out the way God has intended it to. I just wish God could have made my mind as strong as my body, because my body keeps on going through all the treatments and meds the doctors throw at it, but I am starting to feel my mind not have the strength that is required. I do not feel depressed, I just feel tired. I also believe that I am entitled to feel this way, just being plain old exhausted.

Pamela